Muffy the Vampire Slayer

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Muffy the Vampire Slayer is apparently a very bad, low-budget vampire porn. It is also a part of Foolish Lore that deals with an encounter with said movie when Paul "CMG" Kuliniewicz, Ryan "T-Rex" Garwood, and John "Freshman/Tripod" Tubergen visited a video rental store one night.

At the Video Store

Bored one night, Paul, Ryan, and John went to a video store across town to find something to watch. The group moved systematically through the store, aisle by aisle, searching for something all of them were willing to watch. Whereas some video stores segregate softcore pornography into its own section apart from the other offerings, this one had them interspersed with the other titles. Softcore videos are typically readily identifiable from their covers, with common indicators being scantily clad females in erotic poses, titles that modify the name of a better-known work to make it more sexual, and the stink of cripplingly low production values. Most people can pick up these visual clues and avoid (or approach) them as appropriate.

John "Freshman/Tripod" Tubergen, however, is not most people.

While perusing one of the store's aisles, one of the boxes on the shelf caught John's eye. "Oh, 'Muffy the Vampire Slayer.' Is that a parody?" he asked, picking up the box to read the back.

Ryan and Paul, on the other hand, are most people (for the purposes of this story, at least), and could hazard a guess on the true nature of Muffy given only its title. They turned to each other with a look that was equal parts "Are you kidding me?" and "Don't you dare tell him." John's apparently sheltered upbringing had allowed him to retain a refreshing naivety, and neither Ryan nor Paul could wait to see what John's reaction would be when he realized what Muffy was.

John said, "Oh," and returned the box to its shelf without further comment, much to Ryan and Paul's amusement.

In the Car

In the car ride back to Ryan and John's apartment, after having finally found something to rent before the store closed, John asked with honest curiosity, "So, do you think 'Muffy' was a porn?"

"Yes, John!" came the reply. Ryan and Paul were amazed that there was still any doubt in John's mind.

For the remainder of the evening, and for several weeks afterwards, Ryan or Paul would ask the other, apropos of nothing, "Remember the time when John picked up that video?" "I do," and laughter, would ensue. This soon spread to other Fools who hadn't even been there for the event.

A Birthday Surprise

Months later, as John's 18th birthday approached, Benji "Hallway" Milanowski had planned to give John a Big Box of Porn, as had appeared in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Having discovered the expense of fill a big box with porn from scratch, he fell back to Plan B: find a copy of Muffy the Vampire Slayer on Limewire and burn it to a CD for John.

After a little searching, Benji soon tracked down a video file labeled "Muffy the Vampire Slayer" of roughly the proper size and length, and proceeded to download it. He then started to watch it to make sure the download wasn't corrupted.

To this day, Benji refuses to discuss the contents of that video, beyond saying, "There are some sick people out there." Apparently, the video he had downloaded was not the low-budget softcore porn found in the video store, but something else.

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