Sticking it to The Man
Now that the statute of limitations has passed, the tale of Stuart’s role in the great cola revolt of 1978 can be told. Until now few have mentioned the revolt, as Coca-Cola and Pepsi have pressured media outlets and historians to keep a lid on things, lest further labor unrest be shaken up. In that year, Stuart, hearing the plight of his fellow beverage industry workers, rose up to protest the placement of factory bathrooms at the end of a narrow, rickety catwalk high above a vat of boiling phosphoric acid. Ignored by middle management, Stuart retaliated by rallying his fellow factory workers to sabotage cola production by pre-opening all bottles, thus releasing the carbonization. Fearing sales would flatten, middle management quickly closed and then demolished the plant before the first sabotaged shipment could be sent. Stuart fled from the law, going into hiding to avoid being charged with ten million counts of aggravated unscrewing. But now that the Ship of Fools has agreed to defend him from any lingering aggressors, Stuart is finally able to appear in public.
Stuart “BO” Ogle