A really, really strong defense
Created in a secret underground genetic research laboratory beneath Boise, John was intended to be the world’s first successful human clone. When an intern accidentally gave the embryonic John Miracle-Gro and the lab’s ficus human growth hormone, both began to grow out of control. Abandoning the project, embryonic John and the ficus were shipped out, along with some of the lab’s nuclear waste, and dumped in the Wabash River. The radiation caused embryonic John and the ficus to mutate and combine into a single half-man, half-plant creature. Endowed with the ability to mimic most metabolic processes of plants, John now works in the Kitchen of Fools, using his abilities to grow their food himself — literally — with a particular prediliction for producing potatoes.
John “Freshman” Tubergen